Life as I know it...

The United States: A Flickering Flame?

2008-11-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

The content of the discussion I've posted below is too rare these days. Hearing stuff like this is both disheartening and invigorating. I'm disheartened by it only because it's a conversation that is never had; lost in the hurricane of partisan bickering. At the same time however, hearing it just makes me want to jump up out of my chair and cheer like crazy. Do a back flip! Something! This is the kind of bipartisan discussion we SHOULD be having; the one we NEED to be having!

This was an interview done last night on Mike Huckabee's show with Richard Dreyfus. Now, if anyone knows anything about liberals, they know that Richard Dreyfus is about as liberal as they come. Yet what he had to say last night had nothing to do with partisanship, and everything to do with patriotism. I urge you to listen to this! At least listen from 3:25 on if you don't want to spend a mere 10 minutes, but I URGE you to listen:

Yes, yes, and more yes!

...or as I once knew it: Where the heck have I been?!

2008-10-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

Busy.

No, "busy" is not a noun (although none of you would have caught that anyway).

I need to blog again, and again will I blog...again...someday.

Like when I have less homework.

Catch ya later.

PS. Oh, and just for the record: If she turns out to be nothing else...Sarah Palin is still hot.

Seven Years Later: Reflecting on 9/11

2008-09-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday could only be described as typical for me. I went to class, came home, worked on some homework, watched the news, left for junior high group, and then made my way over to Starbucks for some reading. I'd paid no real attention to the significance of the day until I came home that night. And then it hit me:

Today is September 11th.

I came home to my parents watching MSNBC's unedited news footage of the events that took place seven years ago. I sat down and watched it with them.

There just isn't much left to say about 9/11, and yet even after the seven years we've had to explain, research, exploit, and comprehend, what I found most frustrating about watching those images last night is just how incomprehensible they remain. In fact, when the time is taken to really reexamine that day, the events that took place seem to only grow in their level of disbelief. Today, whenever we hear the term "September 11th" or "9/11," we just sort of accept it as a tragic fact of life and don't think on it much further. I wish that we truly could do that. I wish that we could simply rise above and beyond what happened that day through understanding it, accepting it, and fighting to overpower it as a nation. After the reaction I had last night however, I'm not so sure that we can.

In seven years I've never felt more disconnected from that day than I felt last night; as if I was seeing it all for the first time. I was just old enough when it happened to remember witnessing it, but the significance would only register as I grew. Last night and throughout today it has continued to register, causing me to realize one of 9/11's tragic truths: that it will forever and always be an open wound for our country. I was deeply disturbed by what I watched last night, overcome with fits of emotion and tears. I thought maybe that reaction had died a couple of years ago, but here I was now after not having thought about the anniversary all day...crying and scrambling to understand just what I was witnessing all over again.

Wow. No doubt those men struck a deep and lasting blow to all of us. And while we've managed to come together as a nation in mourning, memory, and resilience, when we take the time to really stare it down again, the lasting and sadistically unique characteristic of 9/11 remains one of horror and unspeakable tragedy. How can we get past it? It can't be possible. Not an event like that.

Dostoevsky talks describes mankind as being "artistically cruel." That men don't simply do bad things, but that they strive to elevate horrific acts to artistic levels. What struck me last night was the fact that September 11th was as perfectly artistic an evil act as I will ever witness. How brilliantly sadistic it was to carry out the most significant act of terrorism in a way which forces the entire nation to watch it all unfold. It would have been one thing to set a bomb, or a series of bombs off killing thousands of people. Explosions are instantaneous. The news would have only been able to cover the aftermath. But to think that the entire nation sat and watched the first tower burn, and then saw as the second plane hit, and heard the reports of the Pentagon attack, and witnessed people jumping to their deaths, and finally, after 102 minutes, the towers and all those inside...fall to destruction. These men forced us into front row seats to watch the greatest single act of terrorism ever committed. Does it all seem real to you? To this day, can you really believe all of this took place?

I truly believe it's only a matter of time before we experience another act of terrorism against our nation. I don't say that to be a cynic, and I blame it on no one. I say it as a matter of fact. It's a matter of fact, that in spite of all the security measures we may take, there will always be men out there looking to stay two steps ahead of us in hopes of doing great harm. And so it must be only a matter of time. But I do not believe that we will ever again see an act as artistically cruel as this one. Possibly, many more people will die then than died on that day, but we won't be there to watch it all happen.

As something of a side-note, I discovered what bravery was last night. Groups of firemen walking toward the burning towers while everyone else was running from them. A somewhat off-topic statement, but certainly worthy of mention.

It's hard to believe that the only world I've known is the post-9/11 one. I don't remember America before, only after. Think about all the ways in which this event has changed the way we live, the rights we have, and the securities we once took for granted. Think about the fact that the greatest, most powerful nation in the history of the world...was forever altered in just 102 minutes. Think that the post-9/11 America is the only one you'll ever know.

We can't grow callous to 9/11. And if we choose - as we should - to face that day again on rare occasions, we never will. It's important to remember who we were before that day. It's important not to think about 9/11 as a poitical springboard alone. It will always be an open wound, and, as a result, the United States will always be a healing nation.

...and McCain/(Pay-lyn): To remember last name, just think "Van Halen"

2008-08-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

Thursday evening was a great pleasure to witness. Barack Obama officially became the first major party candidate to receive the nomination for President of our nation. I had some misgivings about the event. Although I have no problem with Obama whatsoever, I was slightly offended by his choice to give the speech in the grand manner he did. It seemed arrogant and over the top. If you had tuned in to the firework finale at the end, you might have even mistaken it for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. Anyway, I didn't the decision. It's as if Obama simply wanted to display how much of a spectacle he is. That being said I can understand it. It was a night that will easily make it's way into our nation's history. It was also a great attempt (and a successful one I think) to rally the Democratic Party and secure as many unsure Hilary voters as he could. There were few specifics in his speech, but that's to be expected. Was it mostly emotion and pomp? Yeah, but it needed to be. I'll give Obama the benefit of a doubt and believe that his grand show was put on to celebrate the historical significance of the night...not to place himself on his own pedestal.

Again, those are small tiffs compared once again to the undeniable fact that what the country witnessed Thursday night was momentously significant. It was a wonderful opportunity for both parties to set aside their biases and celebrate in the triumph that is Presidential Nominee Barack Obama.

Once it was all over however, my focus immediately went back to who John McCain had picked as his Vice Presidential running-mate. He made the right choice not to leak his pick that night, and even sent out a congratulatory add to Obama, allowing him his night to make history. Ever since McCain became the presumptive nominee, I was praying he would choose Mitt Romney. I liked Romney very much and voted for him back in the California primary, but of course he dropped out the very next day. I reasoned that there was absolutely no better choice.

I was absolutely...wrong.

I spent yesterday with the family at Universal Studios (fun place, I'd never been there), and headed straight to a junior high youth event when I got home. Before all that however, I had woken up at 6:15 AM to see if any of the news organizations had broken the pick yet. It reminded me of Christmas morning as a kid, I just couldn't wait. They hadn't, so I got my pillow, sheets, and comforter to hunker down on the couch until they had. To my surprise and dismay, Fox and CNN were confirming that Romney, Pawlenty, and Huckabee were not chosen. Then discussion began about this female Alaskan governor who had very possibly landed in Ohio near where McCain would appear with his nominee. Only about 45 minutes later was it confirmed that Alaskan governor Sarah Palin was McCain's choice for VP. The newscasters couldn't even pronounce her name, nobody knew anything about her, and everyone, including me, was shocked. I was also pissed, but after thinking through exactly all that this choice meant...my disappointment turned into full-fledged support and enthusiasm for this republican ticket. Let me list out the strategy for you.

Reasons why Sarah Palin was a brilliant choice:

-The first and most immediate reason being that this completely wiped Obama from the news. Just hours after making a historic speech that will be remembered for ages to come (yes, it will), McCain managed to obliterate all discussion of it from both sides. The truth is any pick would have done this to some extent. If he had picked Romney, it would have been top news, but only for a short time. The choice of Palin however, an unknown conservative governor from Alaska, demanded full attention from everyone at all times. McCain had to have known exactly what he was doing. Sending out his message to Barack the night before knowing that he was hours away from stealing all his thunder! Haha, it's brilliant, and it makes me laugh. Make no mistake however, it's a temporary snuff. Obama's speech will maintain it's stature in the long run.

-Palin is a woman! Obama just suffered through one testy week at the DNC as many of the Hilary supporters were threatening not to vote for him. Now, just as he's feeling relieved and confident in rounding up those supporters, McCain come out with a woman VP. If I'm Obama I'm nervous and pissed by the decision. It certainly won't capture the majority of Hilary supporters, but it can only help McCain and hurt Obama.

-It takes away the monopoly the democratic party seems to have had on being the party of change and reform; the party open to expanding the boundaries of traditional politics. Obama has been preaching change, and he picks an older, established liberal senator. McCain has been painted as being outdated and out of touch, and he picks a young, vibrant woman who many seem to identify with, making history for the GOP. Obama was the only one with history to be made on his side if the people voted for him. Now McCain joins him.

-It breaks from the notion that McCain is old-Washington. Palin is the furthest from Washington on both sides. Not to mention the GOP has no real bench, which means assuming Palin does very well, she could be the front runner for the republican party the next chance she gets.

-Perhaps most important, the choice pleases both independents and conservatives. How McCain managed to get out of this mess, I don't know, but he did. He was praised on one side for being a maverick and an unconventional politician. While on the other side he was torn apart for not being conservative enough. Palin greatly satisfies both parties. She's conservative, yet a very unconventional choice. He's satisfied the Republican base while maintaining his reputation as a maverick with the independents (who will ultimately decide who wins this race). It's McCain's way of saying, "Hey, I'm still John McCain here."

These are just a few solid points to be made at just how brilliantly executed all of this was. I was not enthused at all with McCain's campaign before this. Obama was capturing the votes of a lot of people while I felt he was just passively sitting back. His choice of Governor...er, former governor Palin proves however that he is a brilliant political player, and can out strategize Obama even in the face of the freshman senator making history just hours before. Not an easy task. I'm in full support of McCain/Palin. I'm ready to watch these two parties battle it out, and I think McCain waited until now to declare, "game on."

This race just turned into one giant chess match. Obama called "check" on Thursday night with the entire democratic party behind him. I think McCain may have managed in one move to call "check-mate."

Rendering to Caesar: The Church and Gay Rights

2008-08-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

"To vote, or not to vote?"

That's certainly a question, although I'm not so sure it's the question (most likely since it's not an exact quote). And while I'm not quite suffering a crisis of conscience on the same level as dear Hamlet, I am struggling to come to grips with what biblical voting should look like for me come this November.

Ever since the California Supreme Court declared that same-sex marriage was lawful back in May, I've been wrestling with the decision more than I expected I ever would. This case is not cut and dry. There are many points of dispute, and I'm sure just as many rebuttals for each and every point, giving both sides fair ground to argue. On the one hand you have the "religious right" who won't stand for such a...desecration of morality, as they make it out to be. On the other, the left (and I imagine most moderates), view the ruling as a great civil victory, or, just simply don't care all that much; a "live and let live" attitude. So where does that leave me? An 18 year old male whose been raised in a conservative, christian home all his life, and belongs to a conservative, christian congregation. Even more, an 18 year old male who understands his former condition before God, and has repented at the cross to reclaim his Lord as the treasure of his life. The answer is obvious, isn't it?

Actually...no.

It isn't for me and I'm not so sure it should be for any believer.

I have some issues with all of this. I already posted my initial response to the court's ruling back in May, which was, for the most part, a complaint against legislating from the bench. Now with November approaching, things get a little more personal, and I've got to decide what biblical voting on this issue looks like, or if it even exists. And lemme tell ya...I'm scrambling.

So what are my issues? Let me first say that I love this country. It's nothing short of a great blessing to live in a nation whose first priority is (in theory) the protection of the rights of it's citizens. We have every right to live in any manner that we choose, so long as the manner of our living doesn't infringe upon the rights of others. Great! We have the right to believe and worship whatever we choose to believe and worship under that same, simple condition. Even better... Which leads me ask, "who does same-sex marriage hurt? what right of mine - or anyone else for that matter - does it violate?" I challenge someone to give me a solid answer. People will sit and argue bogus statistics: that homosexual couples have shorter life-spans, have a higher STD rate, or whatever ridiculous thing they manage to come up with, but that's foolishness. Statistics aside - viable as they may be (or not be) - nothing changes the fundamental fact that gay marriage hurts no one, and violates nothing. There's nothing you can use to directly link the ability for two people of the same sex marrying with the rights of someone else being infringed upon. All other arguments are indirect, because if they weren't, this debate wouldn't exist. Which means, considering there is no definition of marriage whatsoever in our constitution, gay marriage should absolutely be permitted. (It also means that should an amendment defining marriage ever be added, it simply should not be, but that's a whole separate post).

It's just as simple as that...in theory of course. But everything is simpler in theory. Now, there is a flip side to that wonderful coin of human liberties. I can vote in whatever manner I'd like for whatever reason I have to vote in that particular direction. Faith-enabled voting is fair game. That's a great freedom to own, but how far is too far? When it comes to the issue of same-sex marriage, the initial response is to take up arms against it any way possible...like a good christian. This both lines up, and doesn't line up with the freedoms given to us in our Constitution. I'm voting against allowing gay marriage because of a belief system I have. At the same time, I'm voting to withhold rights from a certain group of people who don't share the same beliefs as me. Both of those sentences are saying the same exact thing, they're just worded differently. Yet the first sentences lines up with our Constitution, while the second seems to raise some red flags. Isn't that a slight mistreatment of our voting liberties? I mean, really, it has no effect on me either way. Whether gay couples can or can't be married will have virtually no impact on the lives of all the people voting against it, and yet they're doing it anyway because their bible tells them it's not right. A bible the gay community (most I'm assuming) don't believe to be the word of God. A belief, by the way, they have every right to have. Yet we still play a huge hand in deciding as significant an aspect in their lives as marriage (or lack thereof), and don't think twice about the fact. Does that sit right with you? It certainly doesn't with me. The question still remains for me though as to whether I'm placing the United States Constitution above Scripture. I'm reminded of Colosians 2:8 every time I think through this, which states:

"See to it that no one takes you captive through hallow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ."

Is that what I'm doing here? Is there room for deceptive philosophy in our Constitution to ensnare me in all of this? I mean after all, the word of God is the word of our Almighty God, while our nations principles - great as they may be - stand as nothing more than flawed human tradition. If I'm wrong about this issue, then I think it's for exactly the reason stated in that verse. However I've not even really responded to the issue yet, so that's yet to be determined. I will say that if anything or anyone convinces me that I am placing human tradition above the guidance of Scripture in my life, then I'll do everything I can to change that. But since nobody has yet, I'll continue...

What really upsets me about this whole debate has nothing to do with constitutionality though. It's the force behind the debate in the first place; the one driving factor behind our collective vote against gay marriage...the church. More than any other issue - homelessness, poverty, even abortion I think - political public enemy number one in the church is homosexuality. I don't think the church goes after anything more fervently than we do the rights of the gay community. And the way in which we've done so is not only disgraceful, but has missed the Gospel completely. I haven't seen any compassion for the gay community. No attempts to understand the issue better, no appropriate outreach to a group of people who very possibly are confused and hurting. Instead it's become a virtual shouting match between the majority of the "religious right" and minority of radicals on the left. Homosexuality is the unforgivable sin in the church.

So how have we decided to solve this problem? Well, through voting of course! And we're told to vote! ...vote! ...vote! That's our battleground against the horde of heathens in the world and we have God on our side.

What?!

Are you kidding me?!

What is this nonsense?!

Someone tell me when our job stopped being to spread the Gospel through word and deed to all people at all times...in a loving fashion. Someone tell me why we're so surprised that that world is simply being the world. I'm not upset with the gay community at all. I'm not upset with the California Supreme Court Justices who gave this ruling. I am very upset with the church and it's reaction to all of this! There's no reason to be upset, and there's no reason to be shocked. If our God...the God of the universe, speaks...and in speaking says that the world will hate him...then maybe we should expect that. If Jesus Christ Himself says that the world hates Him and will hate all those who follow Him, then why do we get so offended when things like this happen? Why do we take it so personally?

I'll tell you why, because we feel like we're the morality police of the world. We have to keep things in check, and we're not going to stand for the world living in...sin. We forget that the government exists for one reason only, which is to protect it's citizens. We forget that in order for the church to function properly, we need the government to function separately. It's an establishment which allows us the opportunity to freely worship and freely express our faith to others, not a tool to force the Gospel through law. We've taken the Great Commission - Christ's call to go out into the world and make disciples - and decided to advance that work through legislative means, therefore holding an unbelieving world to believing standards. Then we can avoid the whole spreading the Gospel through God-honoring relationships stuff. And it's that...it's exactly that sick fusion of faith and politics that's choking out the Gospel. Now the level of one's Christendom is measured by how they vote. If you vote one way, you're justified before the Lord. If you vote the other...well, yeah, you say you're a christian, but c'mon man, who are you fooling? Nothing makes me more sick than to see these evangelical pastors - shepherds of the Lords sheep - telling their congregation that if you are God's, you must vote. And not only that...but you must vote this way, or that way, so that we can reclaim this godless nation.

Nonsense!

Separation of church and state baby! That's where it's at, and I'll tell you something, it doesn't fully exist. However, if we do anything...if the church leans in any direction at all, it's in the direction of fusing the two rather than keeping them apart. And we think we're all the holier because of it. I realize in thinking through all of this how blessed I am to be in the congregation I'm in. The teaching from the pulpit is nothing but solid, and my Pastor does an excellent job of rising up and hitting the misguided ideals and actions of the church head on, while dealing with nothing but the Gospel. And he certainly never abuses the pulpit by preaching politics or voting patterns.

Another issue... Most believers will bring up this thing we call the "sanctity of marriage." Well, what does that even mean? We live in a nation where half of all marriages end in divorce, with an equally alarming number existing in the church and we're going to play that card? Gimme a break. Most of the country cares nothing about the sanctity of marriage...most couldn't tell you what it is even. And in the church, to think about the divorce rate that exists there, and then to think that we have the gall to stand up and take a holy stand to protect marriage against the gay community...what a hypocritical ploy that is; what a gross mistreatment of the Gospel. I don't doubt that many feel the unique status of marriage between one man and one woman is worthy of protecting. After all it is a God-ordained relationship which points directly to the relationship between Christ and the church. I would love nothing more than to preserve it's sanctity, but we've not done an even decent job as a church, being the example for the world. And truth be told, marriage will always be a holy thing in the Lord's eyes. In 6-10 years on the day that my future bride walks down the isle and we're joined together in marriage, the sanctity of that ceremony for us, and before our God won't be tarnished one bit by the possible fact that gays too can be married. Let's fry bigger fish... Let's work on commitment.

So where does all of this leave me in the voting booth this November? As of now, it leaves me right smack dab in between a vote for either side. I'm not comfortable voting to allow gay marriage, and yet I don't want to contribute to the misguided motives of the church in attacking the issue. For a long while this kept me panicking until the answer hit me the other night...

...I just won't vote.

I think that's the best way for me to render to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to my God what is my God's. (For the record, could Christ have answered that question any worse than he did, and yet any better?) I think I'm turning into one of those "confused" Christians who thinks we should be more concerned with issues like poverty and homelessness and yes, abortion rather than spending all our time doing everything not to love the homosexual community. So does that mean I'm a democrat now? I hope not. Republican red all the way! But really, I'm increasingly unhappy with this attempt to press the Gospel through legislation, and I couldn't be more unhappy with this inseparable interlocking of faith and politics that exists today. I think we should do more as a church to utilize our time, energy, money, and prayer elsewhere...instead of yelling at a sinful world not to sin anymore...we aren't called to do so. Let's spread the Gospel, and do it with compassion. Conversion isn't our game, and neither is judgement, that job's reserved for a much more qualified candidate.

...and the 2008 Summer Olympics!

2008-08-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

I am...so incredibly excited for this summer's Olympics games! What a joy they are to watch. Not the games necessarily (sports are always a bit silly), but the deeper social implications that the games bring about.

Last night, watching the opening ceremonies, I was completely blown away... It had to have been one of the single-most amazing cultural events I've ever witnessed. Allowing China to host the games is a fascinating decision, and adds a dynamic to this years Olympics which has been nonexistent in years past. For my money, it was a very good decision and one I hope will have a significantly positive impact on foreign relations. Regardless of whether one agrees with the decision to hold the games in a nation which has wrapped itself in such controversy, regardless of whether or not you think Bush should have boycotted last night, it would have been impossible for anyone to have sat through the opening ceremonies without experiencing that tingling feeling one gets when one realizes they're witnessing a momentous historical moment.

Now that's exciting.

This thought is completely out of place in this posting, but watching the entire world come together in the largest celebration of modern times made me ask: "I wonder what God thinks of all this?" Harmony was the theme of last night...and that's a futile hope, don't you think? There's a real sadness in watching the world rejoice in the hope of peace and unity, fully well knowing that we live in a broken world beyond repair. Harmony is far beyond our grasp. We want to make it our own reality through global song and celebration. To think it'll only come after global torment and judgement.

Anyway, sorry about that downer note. I've been very sick all week long (that's a whole separate post), and after three trips to the doctors, two sleepless nights, one trip to urgent care, two prescriptions, and the most painful shot in the behind...no, take that back. After receiving the most painful shot I've ever had in my life(!), the opening ceremonies of last night were just what the doctor ordered.

Pun...intended.

They tried to make her go to rehab, but she said "No. No. No."

2008-08-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how many of you know this little fun-fact about myself, but I'll just get it out there:

I dig Amy Winehouse.

I think her music is great. However, she's got some SERIOUS issues as most everyone knows. I knew about them of course, but I came across this little YouTube video the other day and it was very disappointing to see. Go ahead, take a look:

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Did she just...? Was that...? ...on stage?" Yes, yes, and sadly, yes. Everyone knows she does that nonsense, but to actually see it and right smack-dab in the middle of a performace...it all just adds to the bummer factor. Not to mention, it's just sad.

At least her daddy thinks she's fine.

My two cents:

Amy Winehouse...get some help, and go to rehab...

...go, go, go.

...was told to me by a little prince.

2008-08-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

“There is something at the bottom of every human thought, every thought of genius, or even every earnest thought that springs up in any brain, which can never be communicated to others, even if one were to write volumes about it and were explaining one's idea for thirty-five years; there's something left which cannot be induced to emerge from your brain, and remains with you forever; and with it you will die, without communicating to anyone perhaps the most important of your ideas."

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

I love quotes. Especially the simples ones.

Phrases which pull back the curtains to the window of aonther's mind and shed light on the world in general. Dostoevsky is a quote monster! Sit down and read The Brothers Karamazov, or The Idiot and try your best not to feel like you now understand humankind all the better! You simply can't do it. And don't even get me started on Leo Tolstoy...

I like the quote above because it rings true, and somewhat tragic. What a sad fact it is that there exists in all of us thoughts and feelings we long to communicate but never will in our lifetime, in spite of all our efforts to do so. Yet quotes remain capsuls of truth - albeit incomplete capsuls according to Dosteovsky - which is why I love them so.

When I was little my mother use to read me a famous children's story called The Little Prince written by the French author Antoine de Saint Exupery. The story, which consists of a childlike Prince from another planet who injects simple truths into the lives of those he encounters, is surprising in it's insights. I recently reread the story and wrote down many of it's lines. So here for you are are some simple truths which continue to speak long after being spoken:

"When a mystery is too overpowering, one dare not disobey it."

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"Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far."

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"To forget a friend is sad"

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"Children should always show great forbearance towards grown-up people"

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"One loves the sunset when one is so sad."

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"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."

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"Concieted people never hear anything but praise. To concieted men, all other men are admiriers."

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"When one wishes to play the wit, he sometimes wanters a little from the truth."

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"It is lonely among men. The wind blows them away. They have no roots, and that makes their life very difficult."

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"Words are the source of misunderstandings."

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"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

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"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

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"No one is ever satisfied where he is."

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"What makes a desert beautiful, is that somewhere it hides a well."

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"One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed"

(Of love)

*Note: In March I posted a blog which consited only of a quote by Dostoevsky. That quote is the second half to the one above. I think you'll find it a capsul of equal truth, and filled with hope.

...is WAY different than life in the Alaskan bush!

2008-07-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

Months of planning, praying, worrying, and anticipating are finally through (well, at least concerning Alaska). Yep, two teams, four weeks, 70 campers, and about 400 mosquito bites later, and all is complete...somewhat. I thought I'd take some time to give a basic, semi-detailed report of just how everything went.

For whoever might not be up to snuff about this AK trip, just a quick intro. A group of us from our church flies up to Alaska each year, to a little village called Port Alsworth, which is only home to just over 100 residents (that's a rough guess). Lake Clark Bible Church holds weekly summer camps all summer for many different age groups, from elementary school to high school. Two teams from our church go up for one week each to act as camp counselors. The first team was up there with the 5th and 6th graders, our team was with Jr High.

So Team 2, which consisted of Scott Burns, Johnny, Vu, Marcus, Scott V, Bryce, Kevin, Molly, Megan, Katie, Hannah, Stephanie, and myself, met at the church early Thursday morning (4:15 in the AM to be exact) and drove on down to LAX. Nothing too exciting, fortunately the travel day wasn't long since we had a direct flight into Anchorage, AK. Things were a bit complicated getting from the airport to JR's house where we'd be staying for the next day and a half. It took a couple of hours to shuttle everyone there. A day and a half was spent at JR's hanging out, playing Mario Tennis, getting use to the fact that we weren't going to see any darkness for the next two weeks, praying, and preparing the week ahead of us all. I was still recovering from my broken foot, so it was kinda a bummer to be hobbling around. It was such a sweet time being there with everyone. The fellowship God granted us was invaluable, and the group came together very well. The guys spent most of Friday clearing the back yard of JR's neighbor for he and his wife. It was about 4 hours of dragging and carving up wood with a skill saw (according to Burns it was about 2-3 cords worth, which means nothing to me). The girls spent time cleaning the house, and they made us these killer grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup for lunch. Oh...my...goodness...was it good. Compliments to Katie Connette.

Saturday was spent flying into Port Alsworth. Bryce, Molly, Scott and Myself took the first flight out early that morning. Excitement was super high; doing devos in JR's kitchen that morning sitting on one of the smallest chairs to one of the smallest tables ever made, I was extremely humbled that I'd been given this opportunity yet again. Burns dropped us off at Lark Clark Airport, and we flew out on a bush plane that seated only 5. The flight was probably two of the most beautiful hours I'll ever live through. We arrived in PA and tried to graft our way into the camp in session as best we could. It was great seeing the other team up there, and everything seemed to be going wonderfully for them. It took about half a day to get all of Team 2 out into PA, but we made it (and with minimal panic attacks...those planes are small). Since our team had about two days before the campers arrived, we got to steal time and continue in our awesome fellowship. A highlight was heading down to Dry Creek (to Alaskans it's a creek, to SoCal folk it's a river) for dinner off the shore of Lake Clark (50 miles long btw). On the way we got to stop and fire off a 300 Magnum Rifle something-or-other. All I know is it was powerful. (It was also hilarious to watch the girls shoot...) It was a great time of fellowship as we hung out, and spent a good deal of time preparing and praying for the camp to come.

Now how in the world can I sum up a week of camp? I can't...but I'll give it something of a shot. Monday was a busy day...a lot of rushing around followed by periods of waiting. All the campers from the previous week were flying out, including Team 1 members. At the same time, our jh campers were all flying in. Bryce and I were counselors together, and it took all day before we had our entire cabin at camp. Will, Andrew, Ethan, Ben, and Michael, along with Bryce and myself made up the Mulchatna cabin (basically the best one of the entire camp). We spent that monday hanging out with the campers, playing games out at Sig Field, and looking forward to the week we had ahead of us.

The week began to fly by starting on Tuesday. The schedule was in full swing and we were moving from one place to the next. The head counselors had to be up for staff meeting every morning at 7. After our meeting was done the Jr counselors went to theirs, during which we had to go wake up our cabins and tidy up the place. Breakfast was amazing every morning. (To get the subject of food out of the way, the camp feeds you so incredibly well up there. The food is all homemade and you feel like you're eating every hour...it's heaven.) From then it was worship and lesson time, which Burns taught in the morning, and pastor James taught in the evening. A typical day included activity stations (I spent all week "teaching" riflery...being a SoCal boy, most of the girls up there are better shots than I am; very humbling), all-camp games, hanging out on the waterfront, and a personal favorite for the counselors...Flop On Bed (FOB), otherwise known as nap time...that was heaven as well.

Getting to know the campers is a blast. The differences between kids who live in Alaska and kids who live in SoCal are pretty stark. They're a savy bunch, and can out-survive you any day. Little hints and comments make it known to the counselors that we were looked upon as "Lower 48ers," meaning we're from below the 48th parallel and therefore...live like it. Occasionally you'll hear snickers... We do what's called a "Hobo Breakfast" one morning where each cabin makes a fire on the shore and cooks up their own eggs and so forth. Us SoCal counselors were supposed to be in charge of the fire-making for the Alaskan natives...you can assume how that went. There's never a dull moment with these kids though.

Burns brought the Gospel banners up with us, and they worked very well. Camp was a bit interesting this year in that there didn't seem to be as many expressed desires to submit lives to Christ as have been previous years. However, there was no doubting the campers got the Gospel...a whole lotta it...all week long which was sweet! The 6 points stuck with them, and by the end of the week just about all the campers could recite it back to you.

As camp came to a close, the mood became a bit more somber. Most of these campers were about to go back home to very tough lives in their villages, and having to leave PA wasn't easy. The night before everyone left and the departure day were difficult for everyone, particulalrly the girl campers and their counselors. It was more than neat to see the level of compassion and caring that was built up between them over the course of just 8 short days. Team 2 members flew out of PA at various times throughout the day. Molly, Megan, Katie, Bryce, Vu, and myself were the last group to fly out at 12pm (right before lunch, which was a real bummer). Mixed feelings throughout.

Back in Anchorage, we had about a day and a half of r&r to look forward to. No hard labor this time (but no free dinner at Red Robin either...tough trade-off). We went to Sportsman's Warehouse for like the 20th time. It's this place we traditionally go to that's like Bass Pro Shop, but not as Dinsneyland-ish...really not too interesting, but Burns loves the heck outta it. Afterwards, since the girls got down to the living room first, the guys were out of luck on Mario Tennis. Instead we were treated to some Jane Austin...a la Mansfield Park. I'm not gonna lie...I enjoyed it, and so did the other guys (although they'd never admit to it). Tuesday we drove down to Hope, Alaska to fish for Humpy (yes, Humpy) Salmon. It's a gorgeous 2 hour drive along the coast...but Hope is not all that interesting either. Fishing isn't my thing (no, not even for Humpys), so the girls and I went on a hike. We were only gone about an hour since we came upon this old, ripped up car out in the middle of nowhere, and figured a brown bear had done the damage. Needless to say, some of us were a bit spooked by that (not me of course). One the drive back to Anchorage, Burns pulled over and decided to fire off the Stub Nose 454 Casull... This thing was so awesome, it deserves a whole paragraph all for itself:

So the casull is basically a hand-held cannon. Supposedly there are only two other handguns in the world more powerful than this thing. It's carried around for protection against grizzlies, and it's supposed to take one down pretty quick (I wouldn't want to find out, but having seen one fired off, I believe it). I was scared just holding this thing! So Burns decides he's gonna fire it, and he looks a bit wary about it (he'll never admit to that though). Anyway, he does fire it, and the recoil is so intense(!), that it brings his hands up above his head...if you know anything about Burns, you know that it takes a very very powerful weapon to throw his hands back that far. Anyway, he looked shaken up after he fired it (again, for Burns to be shaken up...), the hammer even cut his thumb, but he decided to fire it again, this time with a bit more control. It made my day.

We got back, packed up, cleaned up, and made our way to the airport. We had a red-eye flight (suck), and I got no sleep at all. We drove back to the church from LAX, and said our goodbyes before all going home to crash for the next 12 hours. I didn't. I slept about an hour, showered, got up, met some friends that night, hung out, played poker, and didn't get to sleep until about 3am the next morning. Stupid...stupid...stupid.

And on that random note, I'll end this scattered entry. It's a whole lot, and if you reached this far, you can stop reading, there's nothing of any interest anymore. If you wanted to read it, but just didn't, thanks for trying, or caring at least.

So there's a brief(?) review of the trip. To those of you who helped us in any way before or during the trip, whether it was financial aid, prayer, coming to our car-wash even though you didn't need one and donating way more than our services earned...I speak for the whole team in saying that...we thank you all. God bless, and to Him be the glory.

...doesn't involve driving anytime soon.

2008-06-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have to admit something...

...I'm not a very good blogger.

Well, maybe I shouldn't put it that way. I suppose the right word is "faithful." I'm not a very faithful blogger. The pros (meaning whoever's had a blog for at least a year and hasn't abandoned it out of laziness) learn how to write about the little things. You know, boring, everyday events that nobody really cares about...however, the fact that you're taking the time to blog about them demonstrates that you appreciate the small things in life. What a load of crap. Anyway, I'm not entirely full of crap yet, so my blogging is limited for now.

BUT

A fairly significant event occurred Saturday night on Magnolia and Main right in front of South Hills church at about 8:40 pm (specific enough?)...I totaled my truck. Yep, my nasty 1981 light brown Toyota pickup is a goner I think. The damage doesn't look all that bad, but apparently the axle is beyond repair. Bum-mer.

Anyway, for those of you who are wondering (most likely assuming)...no, it wasn't my fault. I was run off the road by a guy who swerved very dramatically in response to an ambulance coming up the street...in the opposite direction. I took out a street sign and missed a palm tree by about one foot and the guy took off. Lame. I'm okay though, I just miss my truck, and driving in general.

This couldn't have happened at a worse time. Anyway, that's that. Gimme a few more months and I'll be blogging about far less significant events, I promise.

On today's California Supreme Court ruling: A good day to be...gay?

2008-05-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

(A: Well...yes, but everyone else is out of luck.)

So today the California Supreme Court (otherwise known as 4 guys in black robes) ruled that it's a natural right for two individuals to be married in the state of California (otherwise known as about 36 million people who already voted not to allow same-sex marriage) regardless of sexual orientation. In other words, they did a little something like this:

Supreme Court: "Gay Marriage, meet California. California, meet Gay Marriage. We trust the both of you will get along just fine."

But will they really? California citizens already voted overwhelmingly against allowing gay couples to marry, and a recent poll shows that only about 30% of Californians think gay marriage should be legal. So whether or not this ruling will last long is debatable, but the fact of today is that we are now only the second state in the country - along with Massachusetts - where gay couples can be married. I suppose it's worth mentioning as well that...well, we're definitely not Massachusetts.

Anyway, this is interesting, because it calls into questions quite a few things. Whether or not the CA Justices were right or wrong isn't clear. Certainly we know where the majority of the state stands, but what they think really doesn't matter if those ideals conflict with our constitution. I don't imagine the ruling will last long. If well over half the state feels it's been cheated by a 4-3 vote, they'll take action and an amendment will be added. But again...it's still not clear who is right and who is wrong here.

The Supreme Court has ruled on the basis that two individuals should be allowed the right to marry with no other considerations. Specifically, that a "domestic partnership" does not allow a couple the equal rights that a state-recognized marriage does. Therefore, it's not that gay-marriage is legalized necessarily, it's that "domestic partnerships" are unconstitutional, leaving open only one other option...marriage! Badda-bing, there you have it....by default, gay marriage is now legal.

But hold on a second here! Now we have our state constitution being opened up to specifically protect sexual preferences?! I'm confused by this. The Court wouldn't admit to doing such a thing, but just as they have - by default - legalized gay marriage to avoid discrimination, they've also - by default - suggested that our constitution should not only address, but it should also protect sexual orientation...which - by default - creates an even more discriminatory situation. That's not just a slippery slope, that's a freaking water slide! So in an attempt to uproot discrimination, they've taken the state constitution into the uncharted territory of sexual preferences, and liberated only one group of a larger, still suppressed whole! Gays can now be married, but what about polygamists? The polyandrists? What about incest? People will say, "oh, but the ruling says two people have the right..." True, and that does cover polygamy and so forth, but that's just the point! This wasn't a ruling of numbers so much as it was one to liberate a persons right to choose who he or she will marry. It's one of sexual orientation and that does include polygamy, polyandry, and even incest...yet those groups are left out. The battle for gay-marriage has been won, yet that victory may start a civil liberties war. What a mess...

So you know I'm not just making this stuff up, here's an except from the ruling:

"In contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual's capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual's sexual orientation, and, more generally, that an individual's sexual orientation — like a person's race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights."

I'm certainly not advocating any lifestyle here, and I'm definitely not suggesting that the Court should now legalize all forms of marriage for all people. No, I'm just confused. To look at the ruling with complete objectivity requires that these questions be asked. Above, one thing is specifically made clear: that sexual orientation does not damage one's ability to have a successful marriage. The implication of that however, is that persons of all preferences should now be granted the right to marry...only that isn't the case. So what today is being hailed (particularly in San Fransisco) as a great civil victory has only brought us to a more confused state as to what is and isn't constitutional. Now that sexual orientation is a consideration, we're going to have to answer to all groups, not just the one that is celebrating now. We haven't done that yet.

I think it's a much bigger mess than we'd like to be in, and the implications could be huge. On a more personal level, and just for the record, I'll say that I'm not entirely sure whether or not gay marriage is right to allow. That's mostly a question of personal faith however. On the one hand I have to say that it isn't right, on the other I have to say that I have no right deny others a right that possibly should be theirs on the basis of a personal belief. Often times, when liberty meets faith, it makes for quite an awkward confrontation, and I've not yet learned how to reconcile the two .

A.W. Tozer Quote

2008-05-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

Something I read earlier this morning:

"The average person in the world today, without faith and without God and without hope, is engaged in a desperate personal search throughout his lifetime. He does not really know where he has been. He does not really know what he is doing here and now. He does not know where he is going. The sad commentary is that he is doing it all on borrowed time and borrowed money and borrowed strength; and he already knows that in the end he will surely die! Man, made more like God than any other creature, has become less like God than any other creature. Created to reflect the glory of God, he has retreated sullenly into his cave reflecting only his own sinfulness. Certainly it is a tragedy above all tragedies in this world that man, made with a soul to worship and praise and sing God's glory, now sunlks silently in his cave."

-A.W. Tozer

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen: The Story of My Life...

2008-04-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, The Third Man is one of my all-time favorite films...along with being one of the best films ever made, period. One of the reasons why it resonates with me so much is due to the last couple minutes of the film. It's beautiful, it's brutal, it's heartbreaking...and it basically sums up life...

...Or at least the life of this sad Prufrock. So for the sake of letting everyone know all they need to know about me, here it is: the story of my life wrapped up in a single scene.

The end indeed.

What else is there to say?

2008-04-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity."

-T.S. Elliot

Amen to that.

...goes a little someting like this:

2008-04-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friend

-My friend, do you know that I love you?
That no man do I hold more dear?
Never could my conscience betray you.
Not one lie from me have you ever known,
Nor one will you ever hear.
Was it I who left your side
When life’s darkness did descend upon your soul?
No! With you I did silently abide,
Gladly bearing the burdens of life’s merciless tide;
And with my tears did I assist you
To lift from your heart that most crushing weight
Until it again could freely stroll.
Not that I boast or stake any great claim.
Neither do I ask you to notice;
No my friend, repay me nothing I beg you!
In telling you this, I hide no selfish aim.
Know simply that I love you
And no action for you would I withhold.
That even if Death were to visit me
And for you must my life be sold,
I would greet him with a smile,
Draw my final breath,
And from you forever depart.
Then woud I pray there is a God,
If only that “forever” might become “a little while.”

-Oh, you are so dear to me, my friend!
I know that you have been most loyal,

And to such great depths you have gone!

I can never understand why for me you toil.
If I could repay all that for me you have done
I would meet the very end of time
And foolish I would feel for ever having begun.
Nothing can I to you speak,
Not one treasure can I to you give
Except this most humble thanks.
Though I sympathize with Hamlet,
That even in thanks am I a poor man,
Yet even that you will be faithful to forgive.
Yes my friend, I do dearly love you as well,
Though the depths of my love for you
Never could I fully tell.
You have taught me much my friend,
Though there is one who has taught me more.
Do you see him in the corner there?
Hatred is in his eyes as he does stare,
For me he surely does abhor.
Yes, he has taught me more than you,
Though no loyal trait do you - my friend - lack.
Yet he has done something you could never do.
He has hated me deeply,
And a knife has he stuck in my back.

See post from March 19th

...and the reason why I don't play any sports.

2008-04-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

My sentiments exactly.

...is beautifully brutal: Abuse Versus Love in the Formation of Character.

2008-03-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

"The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relationships, kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths."

-Graham Green

A strange thought has occupied my mind for the past few days, and so far hasn't let up. In thinking about people - human kind in general - I wonder what is the most powerful motivating factor in the determination of personality. The question of morality is interesting enough. Why have any moral sense at all? It doesn't benefit an individual to look out for another over oneself, and if we are subject to social-darwinism, then we certainly shouldn't be led towards compassion for others in any way. The answer to the question I'm about to ask lies in the answer to the question above I'm afraid, which means if I can't answer the question of morality, I certainly can't answer the question of what motivates us to be moral beings.

I'm going to ask the question anyway, however. If the answer refuses to reveal itself to me, maybe it will to you. Or possibly you've already found it...

The question is this: is abuse better for character than love? Does it have more of an impact - particularly a positive one - in determining who we are, and how we act towards others?

To even ask such a question is mostly silly, considering the broad nature of the subject. Who really knows why we act the way we do? This is the reason I love psychology though! It's such a load of nonsense, and so speculative a subject that it shouldn't even be considered a science. No person can ever come to understand the thoughts and actions of another through scientific means, or any other means for that matter. We can't even understand our own doings. So each man comes up with his own theories, and others say, "no, that's not right," or "yeah, I agree with that," but really they can't fully agree or disagree, because in the end...it's probably all a load of hogwash.

Anyway, I digress... The purpose of the above paragraph gives me room to ask as silly a question as I just have however, and perhaps even more room to give an even more ridiculous answer. Back to that:

Now, when I use the word "abuse," I simply mean mistreatment of one person by another. I don't use the word in it's most severe sense; I'm talking about normal, average human lives. Lives much like the one's, I assume, you and I lead, where there are good things and bad things, strong relationships, and poor relationships; a normal, healthy balance. Within that context, what role does mistreatment play in deciding how we act towards others? Does it hurt us or help us? I think it helps. In fact, I think it does more for us than love, compassion, loyalty, and all forms of proper treatment. The reason for this being that it's more of a motivating force.

A friend of mind who is as loyal and honest as he can possibly be will no doubt preserve whatever relationship we have, but in terms of the impact he has on me, how deep is it? Let's compare two people: an honest friend versus a dishonest acquaintance. The friend I've known for many years, and never once has he given me any reason to mistrust him, in fact I rather love him. He's compassionate, selfless, and dependable along with countless number of other traits that has solidified our strong relationship. The acquaintance on the other hand is someone I don't know very well at all, nor do I care ever to. The state of our relationship (or lack thereof), is due to the fact that he has never been honest with me, has made it clear that he doesn't like me, and would even go so far as to wish harm on me. Of these two, I'm saying that the latter does more to help my character than the friend that I hold so dear. In fact, I'll go as far to say that the more abuse I endure from the acquaintance, the better my chances are of acting kindly towards others; and this is all in spite of the love - no matter how much - my beloved friend bestows on me.

I think this is a pretty general truth as a result of the mangled mess sin has made of human relationships. If we reflect on the traits of our Creator, we can quickly identify them: love, mercy, grace, among other things, including wrath. We certainly have no evidence to support that He is a God of abuse however, which leads us to ask: if we were created in the likeness of the Lord - to manifest His glory through a relationship with both Him and others - where does abuse come from? The answer to that question is simple. Abuse can only stem from sin; it's a verbal, behavioral, or physical act towards another that is consistent with the abuser's single-minded desire to satisfy above all his own pride and selfishness. We can't ever admit that any form of treatment or mistreatment from anyone can ever be as beneficial or harmful as God's love is beneficial to us, so let's cast that notion out the window. Abuse, which is not of God, can only be of sin in man, and therefore this idea that abuse helps mankind more than love is only applicable to the sin-infested relationships between humans.

So to put it simply, what I'm saying is this:
Because we're messed up individuals, and because we have to deal with sin and it's effects on a daily basis, our perception of relationships, and our fuel of motivation in relationships is all screwed up. When somebody does nothing but treat me as well as he or she possibly could, there's a sinful temptation to shut off and simply be content by it. It's much easier just to be the receiver of good relational gifts from others than it is to actually turn around and use those gifts on others. I won't think to go out and love better, or to show more sympathy and compassion. If someone earns my complete trust, and never do I have to doubt anything they say, I won't be motivated to be honest and trustworthy with others. In order for a man to want to be honest, he has to know how it feels to be lied to first. In order for someone to want to love others, they first have to understand the emotional pang that comes with not being loved themselves. Our motivating force to be good to others is not that we want to be what others have been to us, but that we want to be what others have not been to us.

If I value truthfulness at all, and if I have any desire not to lie to others, it's because I've been lied to myself; not because I've witnessed the trustworthiness in others, but because I've witnessed the lack of it in so many, and it's undesired effects. My mind works in a way that looks at a man and says, "that's not the guy I want to be." Whereas I have more of a difficult time looking at a good man and saying, "I should be more like him." If I value loving others and showing compassion, it too is because I've not always been shown those things, and so in my mind I say, "that's not who I'm going to be, I'll love others because he or she has failed to love me."

I'm not sure this is the way things were meant to work, but they do. Anyway, just something to think about. It's amazing all the different knots sin has managed to tie in creation, and even more amazing how well we've managed to adapt to each and every one of them. Then again, maybe "amazing" isn't the right word for it.

Certainly Green's sentiments, though cynical, are easy for us to identify with. Maybe we won't admit to identifying with such a statement personally, but there is no doubt we will be quick to accept it as a universal truth for everyone else. Dostoevsky talks about "seeking happiness in sorrow." Now there's a statement I'd love to understand, but what an impossible thing that is. Maybe out of the sorrow and pain of not being loved ourselves, we are motivated to love others, and there find happiness. Is that the right answer? I don't know, but it's the best one I've got.

One-thousand truths won't motivate me to be an honest man, but the sting of one lie will. What a sad fact of life that is.

...will hopefully amount to this quote. Should be titled: "Life as I wish to know it."

2008-03-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

"All your thoughts, all the seeds scattered by you, perhaps forgotten by you, will grow up and take form. He who has received them from you will hand them on to another. And who can tell what part you may have in the future determination of the destinies of humanity? In scattering the seed, scattering your charity, your kind deeds, you are giving away, in one form or another, part of your personality, and taking into yourself part of another; you are in a mutual communion with another, a little more attention and you will be rewarded with the knowledge of the most unexpected discoveries. You will come at last to look upon your work as a science; it will lay hold of your life and may fill up your whole life.”

-Fyodor Dostoevksy

...is a little bit off right now.

2008-03-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

I've got to get back on track, and that's all there is to it.

(Feel free to help me out.)

...is comepletely uncertain: Where I'm at, or rather, where the heck am I going?

2008-03-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

I've always known myself to be an anxious person. I think I tend to be more pessimistic than optimistic, but then again I think everyone really is. I'm not sure sin allows us the ability to be truly optimistic people. But anyway, my mind works against me it seems. When things are going well, all I can do is reason in favor of how things are actually bad. The second a situation looks positive, I begin the "too-good-to-be-true" countdown until things are back to being negative. I even tend to lean towards superstition whenever I feel like there's a lot I have to lose. But really, it's only a matter of time before I lose it all. Is that normal? It certainly can't be healthy. I think I'm on the road to developing stomache ulcers, and from what I hear, those aren't so fun.

So why am I like this? I don't know really, I always have been I think, but lately it's been worse than usual. I suppose the next couple of months have been on the forefront of my mind more than most things have. I keep hearing Barack Obama talking about "change this", and "change that," and I've gotta say, I'm not all that excited about change right now, maybe that's why I'm a McCain guy, who knows. What frightens me though is not the fact that change will come whether I like it or not, but that I don't have much of a choice to make what I want out of it. Maybe this is just called growing up, and I should learn to deal with it, but I'd like to find a way to do that while avoiding the ulcers at least...

Okay, so I've got to go to college, right? I'm pretty sure I do, unless I want to work a minimum wage job and move up the ranks the rest of my life, which I don't. I could join the military...but I never will. So college is the only option left, which doesn't make it much of an option at all. Fine, that's okay, I'm cool with college, but what's it going to mean giving up, and what will I have to pass by, and what happens if I don't end up where I'd always hoped to? The problem with that last concern is that I don't even really know where I hope to end up. So I'm afraid of heading in the wrong dircetion, but how can there be a wrong dircetion when I haven't established a right one. I'm afraid of not ending up where I want to, and I'm not even sure where that is. I'm not sure the odds are working in my favor.

Alright, so I think my main problem is my youth. I'm young and stupid; I have dreams, and goals, and desires, and all the usual nonsense that comes with wanting to do something with your life before you've gone and wasted it all. I think that's probably a pretty vain sentiment, if not a rather arrogant one, but that's really what I want. Is it so bad to want to mean something to at least one person, if not many?

My fear is that I'm going to pay a whole lot of money for a tuition, and a reality check, and that college is going to stifle any motivation I have to do something more than just make money. It's one giant system, and one big machine that puts you on the fast track to an occupation, a wife, kids, and a family. All of those things I want...I suppose I just want more though.

Am I being a selfish punk? I don't know. It sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining over something I won't be able to stop: the rest of my life. It's a losing battle. I feel like I can just call it right here and now. This is how it's all going to unfold... You ready? Here it is:

First I'm going to go to college (I don't know where but that really doesn't matter because it'll be the same story regardless). I figure the first couple of years I'll be working on my general education, and then after that things get a bit more serious. So I'm paying my way through college for about 3 and a half years now, and I'm beginning to focus on where I'm going as far as an occupation goes. From here I'll decide whether or not it'll be a four year venture for me, or more than that. During all this, I assume I'll meet someone, and this someone and I will end up falling in love. After going through all the implications of that, this girl will somehow convince me I should marry her, and I probably won't put up much of a fight against it. Then comes the process of proving to her family I can support her, and after a few paychecks and one engagement ring, that whole process will start! College will either be done with or just about done, and I'll be headed straight into marriage, where the beginning of the rest of my life will begin.

And there you have it ladies and gentlement, the rest of Adams Watson's life. Now, ideally (and that is pretty ideal, but not uncommon), that's not such a bad situation. In fact it's pretty nice to think about. Why then am I so afraid of it? I mean do I have to accept that as being the way my life will play out? I guess I don't, but I'll tell you it only takes one girl to convince you, and I know for me at least there won't be much she'll have to do. Maybe becoming a monk will solve all my problems...but I think I'd join the military first.

So that's that. Now it's just a matter of picking the general area where I want all of this to take place. If I pick RCC, I put it off for a couple of years. If I go to Fullerton there's a pretty good shot all that could happen. And if I go to CBU...well, I might as well just write my autobiography right now I think. Only I don't want to go to RCC at all, and neither do I want to go to Fullerton, although I'd rather do that than RCC. So my only choice really (if it were all my choice), would be CBU. So is my life as I know it basically over then? It very well could be...

That's a bit dramatic, but I am so extremely concerned that I won't end up where I wished I had. Only, like I said earlier, I don't even know where that place is. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, and I'm only 18. I guess that means I'd have to die at 36, which wouldn't surprise me all that much considering how I'm torturing myself now. I mean how long could I do this and stay healthy?

I said life was completely uncertain, but that's not exactly true. There are things I am completely certain about, although I'm unsure as to whether or not I'll have to let them go before too long...but that's a whole seperate post, and an equally difficult one to think about. For now though, just a quick refernce to the few blessings in my life that are consistent in causing me nothing but joy:

Primetime, Dear Barbara, It's pounded...and 11:21.

To those of you who don't know what the heck I'm talking about, I love you all too, don't worry. To those of you who do...well, you know who you are. Just when I think you couldn't possibly mean any more to me than you already do, you somehow find a way. Thank you dearly.

...is vain.

2008-03-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

This is something I posted a couple months ago back on my good ol' myspace page, so I figured to start things off with a bang...I'd just copy and paste it here, lol.

Vanity of Vanities...

"Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment. Remove vexation from your heart, and put away pain from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity"-Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

I think Ecclesiastes is one of the most comical books in all of Scripture. In it, you have King Solomon - who essentially had just about anything you could ask for and everything in between - giving one of the most apathetic portraits of life that anyone could possibly give: All is vanity. Everything amounts to absolutely nothing. Do whatever you want because in the end it's just not going to mattet...at all. End of story.

Now, that's not exactly Solomon's message, so don't quote me on it. He does reference God heavily, as in the verse above, claiming that we're to live with our Creator in mind knowing judgment is ahead of us for all that we do. That's important to understand, in that I don't think Solomon is promoting a reckless lifestyle or an indifferent, ungrateful attitude towards the gift that is life, but I do think the older we get the more we will not only understand better where Solomon is coming from, but we'll agree with his sentiments completey.

When I say this is a comical claim, I suppose I have to say so with everyone in mind, in which case, there is nothing at all funny about Ecclesiastes. In fact, it means death for many people after a life lived for absolutely nothing. That's quite bleak. Fortunately though, mankind, in all it's self-acquired wisdom has dedicated an entire philosophy to embracing this idea. In other words, in hopes of finding the meaning of life, man has found that life means nothing, only they have omitted the God part. A rather profound discovery, if not a misguided and bit of a discouraging one. To spend your life trying to understand the very reason you exist, only to discover that it really doesn't matter whether or not you do is about as discouraging as it gets. Oh well, just slap a fancy name on whatever you want to call this philosophy, make it sound important, pass it around, and then die making it absolutely 100% unimportant and inconsequential to you anymore. You've just proved your philosophy true! Congrats! I think it would have been easier to have just read Ecclesiastes, but to each his own I suppose.

I don't mean to discuss philosophy or to pretend I know the details of existentialism or transcendentalism or whatever you want to believe(ism), but I do think Solomon's observations on life are exact, which would explain all the philosophical derivatives since. His strict and narrow focus on human life here on earth, with eternal life almost as an afterthought is funny for two reasons: 1) Because of the context in which Solomon exists; as possibly the richest, wisest, most powerful man alive. 2) Because it seems to almost contradict that which Scripture has taught and what we've always known life to be, which is a blessing and a gift from God to us. It is still that though, and as I said before, I do not think Solomon is at all ungrateful. He can however, accept that life and everything it has to offer is vain because he knows that outside of God and His glory, nothing else matters. Without God and His Glory at the forefront of all things, life is not life, and we do no exist.

For the unbeliever, this isn't at all a funny thing. They gain nothing, and if they happen to be wrong about God or simply remain hardened to Him (I suppose there really is not diference), there will be a final and eternal consequence. For the believer however, Solomon's observations provoke praise and admiration; a knowledge that this place and all it has to offer may not be much, but what little there is has been given us to enjoy, and should be used to the glory of our God. Life is still a blessing, meaning is still present, but to see this clearly, we are called to look beyond temporary creation and to our eternal Creator.

This is something I've been wrestling with for a few months now, and I've loved every single day of it. I am becoming more and more convinced that I, Adam James Watson, have been created by a Creator for a created purpose, and that the more I fall in line with this purpose, the better I function as a created being. It makes the most perfect sense. If indeed we have been made to glorify our God in everything that we do, then we are going to function best as humans when we are doing that very thing. Piper says it all the time, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." It's just the way things were created to play out. For us to think outside of God's glory, or to act outside of God's glory, or to live in any way outside of God's glory would be for us to function unnaturally and against our created purpose, essentially leading us absolutely nowhere. There is a quote by D.A. Carson that's remained with me for quite some time now:

"People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it freedom; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated."

Unfortunately, I think the quote speaks just as directly to the believer as it does the unbeliever. If we think of ourselves as being created in God's image however, then we understand that humans hold a special place here on earth. Not only are we set apart in how we are made - in that we have a moral sense of right and wrong ( and I think great proof that we were created to glorify God) - but we are set above all else that is created. In a sense, all else was created for us to be used to bring God glory, but only as far as that. Only we've looked to the things created for us to satisfy God's glory to find ultimate satisfaction for ourselves. The things created for us have become our gods, and we have ceased to view them as the tools given to us by God to be used for Him. What a sad perversion that is. Not only is it a perversion, it’s a false hope and a vain pursuit; it can do nothing for us. The faulty effort to find joy in the things of hasn’t lead anywhere but to emptiness. It’s the most common tragic tale throughout all of history. How many times have we heard of the man or the woman who looks to gain everything, and in the process of doing so, finds that he or she has nothing in the end? We were made to submit to the Lord through having a relationship with Him and knowing that His plan and purpose for our life is known by Him, therefore we follow Him willingly. If we chose not to do this, we cease to have any plan, purpose, or destination outside of living strictly for ourselves, by ourselves, all to gain nothing.

I understand that I’m young. I know that I’m quite immature and naive about a lot of things, and that I have a lot to learn. However, I've found that the more my love and understanding for God grows, the less hope I have invested in the things of this world, and the bleaker my outlook on life becomes. I don’t mean to say I am giving up on life, but I sympathize more and more with Solomon's claim that everything we take part in here is vain and worthless...to an extent.

People will read this and think I have turned into some transcendental hippy who looks only to “life beyond” and has dismissed life at hand. This isn’t the case. I am beyond blessed with what God has given me, both in the things I can identify, and the things I cannot; in the things God has done in my life up to this point, and the things He will continue to do. I am blessed and I will always view life as nothing short of the precious gift that it is. What I am getting at though is this: if our purpose in life is to bring God glory (and I am convicted that it is), then nothing here on this earth (the things which God Himself is the creator of) has any purpose higher or lower than we as humans have but to also bring Him glory. If our highest purpose as the highest form of God's creation is to point to His glory, then what else in creation serves a better or higher purpose in and of itself, or for us than we do? The answer has to be nothing. With that in mind, everything is vanity if not used the way God intended them to be used. We were certainly not created for ourselves, and we hold the highest position in all of creation being the only created beings made in God's image. Nothing else has been more intimately designed, so nothing else is complete outside of God. If my chief satisfaction is in the things of the world (or if I believe it to be at least), then there is plenty to choose from, and plenty to fall back on when each fails. Since I was not created to be satisfied in the things of this world however, the source of my satisfaction points to only one thing, God Himself. Just as we weren’t created for ourselves, so the things of this world were not created for us either. In fact, the question of our satisfaction shouldn’t be a question at all. With our focus on the glory of God, our satisfaction is complete. Creation is not the answer of satisfaction for us because it does not appeal to our created purpose in any way. We were not made to satisfy ourselves, but to satisfy our Creator, the chief end of our satisfaction. The One in whom we are most complete.

In theory this all sounds nice and neat I suppose, but to actually apply it to our lives may seem disheartening, even for a believer. Is there really nothing that has to do strictly with our happiness or our enjoyment or our sense of self? No, not as far as I can tell. All things point to God, or were created to at least. I’m speaking not only of material things, but of the unseen, intangible intricacies of life: relationships, desires, goals, ambitions, satisfaction, success, emotions, failure, and so forth. How do we think through these things with our created purpose in mind? Exactly how Solomon has, they all mean nothing, they all get us nowhere, and they are all vain things...outside of God's glory.

I think through this on a personal level in a couple of ways, and I’ve been trying to convince myself of one thought that is rather frightening to conceive of. The thought is this: nothing in my life is ever going to, or could ever satisfy me completely. There is not one thing that will ever give me a sense of complete purpose, joy, or self-worth that will not come up void in some way. Let’s use a personal example:

I think about thing I look forward to most in my lifetime: marriage. More than anything else, the thing I anticipate most is meeting the woman I am going to fall in love with and take care of until she, or myself leaves this earth. There isn’t anything else that excites me more than that hope, and it’s such a precious hope that I can’t imagine at this point being dissatisfied at all in my future marriage. My emotional anticipation makes it difficult for me to imagine my marriage ever failing to satisfy me in any way, but I know for a fact that to some extent, it will. Arguments will occur, disagreements will arise, romance will cease, and our relationship will take turns that we could have never imagined possible. Our love for each other will be shaken, and in those difficult times what’s to stop frustration from ending it all? If I view my marriage as the foundation of my satisfaction and comfort, nothing will. I will be crushed if it fails me, even to the slightest extent. Now how is this encouraging? It isn’t. If my marriage alone cannot make me happy, then nothing can. If my wife - the one who alone will stand as the height of my happiness here on earth, who I will gladly love and take care of the rest of my days, the person who I will cherish more than I possibly could anything or anyone else - if she cannot satisfy me, is there anything or anyone else who possibly can? Absolutely not. How frightening is that? That my marriage - the most anticipate days of my life – can already be proven to fail me. If this is true of my wife, then it is true with everything else.

If I view my marriage as something that stands outside of a given opportunity to give God glory, then my focus will consist of nothing other than the failures of the relationship I have with my wife. I will have no hope that things will get better, I will not view my relationship as something precious enough to be reconciled, and my satisfaction, if not met, will be the cause of yet another worldly disappointment, which in this case, is quite a tragic one. My foundation must consist of God alone, and nothing else. One who does not fail, ever, and who will never change or disappoint. Once I have learned to be completely content in the promises and commands of the Lord, then will I be capable of viewing my marriage as the opportunity that it is to point to God. I will have a hope and a joy that could not be attained anywhere else. Hope that things will get better when they are difficult, and a hope that God will show me how best to love and care for my wife through even the most difficult of times. In fact, not only will I be able to look to God when things become difficult - He will not simply be a "plan b" for contentment or comfort when the first fails - but there will be even more reason to praise Him for the blessing that is my marriage when things could not be better. My marriage, the only hope I would have in the world without God’s grace, is dependent no the foundation of God's glory, and must be directed towards it. If this too is true of my wife, then it is also true of all else.

Marriage is but one example, and yet, because it is the most precious example I can think of, there is nothing which is exempt from being thought through in this manner. I need to start thinking about everything in such a way. Nothing will satisfy me, in and of the thing itself; it was not made to. This doesn’t give me much hope in anything. In fact, it gives me hope in only one thing.

Good, that’s exactly the way it should be.

...will now be explored through blogging!

2008-02-26T16:30:00.000-08:00

If I can stay committed that is. I hope that I can, however, because this sort of thing really excites me!

Okay, first thing's first... There are some things I have to explain for my own benefit, and to the benefit of whoever the misfortunate soul is that happens to stumble across this page:

1. If you're wondering about the name...don't. It's from a poem, a very famous poem. Google it, read it, love it (you won't understand it, but love it anyway).

2. I intend to use this blog for absolutely anything and everything that I can think to use it for. I figure I won't be extremely committed to sitting alone in my room for hours each night trying to come up with some great, long philosophical outlook on anyone or anything that I can come and type away on. So if I throw in a couple of one liners or something as a complete post, please don't hate me.

3. I certainly don't think I'm a poor student of the English language, however this may appear to be the case throughout my posts. Just know that I'm not trying to be stupid, or trying to neglect grammar or anything of the kind. I'm simply typing comfortably, as if I were sitting down talking with any one of you guys. I'm sacrificing spelling and composition for the sake of comfort.

4. I will try very very hard not to be too self-indulgent, self-pitying, arrogant, all-knowing, or anything like that. I'm certainly not all-knowing, so if I tried to be I would fail miserably... The others I could very well be if I'm not careful. I understand you all don't have to read my thoughts and are probably doing so just to be nice, so I'll try as best I can to be real about what's going on, both mentally and emotionally without sounding like I know more than I really do, or making more of a situation than it really is.

5. I love love love the art and philosophy of Charles M. Schulz (otherwise known as the guy who draws the Charlie Brown comics), so it could be a theme throughout. Those cartoons have composed a 50 year commentary on life(!)...and I dig that very much.

6. I don't intend for anyone who reads this to be unfamiliar with me, so forgive the lack of a biography. Just read the posts and maybe you'll pick up on a few things (probably you won't).

7. I'm running out of things I need to explain...

8. I love all of you who will actually take the time to read the insignificant (and possibly quite uninteresting) thoughts a Prufrock like myself. I'm no Charlie Brown but I'm fighting to get there...

9. Did I mention I love you guys?

And on that note, I'll bring all explanations to a close. I totally look forward to this, and can't wait to look back on everything I've posted to see if I've gone anywhere since, and to kinda gage how far I have yet to go. Feel free to leave any amount of love you'd like, whether that be posts or hypothetical hugs or whatever. This will either be a great tool, or a dud, and there isn't much left to say other than...let's find out.