...is beautifully brutal: Abuse Versus Love in the Formation of Character.

"The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relationships, kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths."

-Graham Green

A strange thought has occupied my mind for the past few days, and so far hasn't let up. In thinking about people - human kind in general - I wonder what is the most powerful motivating factor in the determination of personality. The question of morality is interesting enough. Why have any moral sense at all? It doesn't benefit an individual to look out for another over oneself, and if we are subject to social-darwinism, then we certainly shouldn't be led towards compassion for others in any way. The answer to the question I'm about to ask lies in the answer to the question above I'm afraid, which means if I can't answer the question of morality, I certainly can't answer the question of what motivates us to be moral beings.

I'm going to ask the question anyway, however. If the answer refuses to reveal itself to me, maybe it will to you. Or possibly you've already found it...

The question is this: is abuse better for character than love? Does it have more of an impact - particularly a positive one - in determining who we are, and how we act towards others?

To even ask such a question is mostly silly, considering the broad nature of the subject. Who really knows why we act the way we do? This is the reason I love psychology though! It's such a load of nonsense, and so speculative a subject that it shouldn't even be considered a science. No person can ever come to understand the thoughts and actions of another through scientific means, or any other means for that matter. We can't even understand our own doings. So each man comes up with his own theories, and others say, "no, that's not right," or "yeah, I agree with that," but really they can't fully agree or disagree, because in the end...it's probably all a load of hogwash.

Anyway, I digress... The purpose of the above paragraph gives me room to ask as silly a question as I just have however, and perhaps even more room to give an even more ridiculous answer. Back to that:

Now, when I use the word "abuse," I simply mean mistreatment of one person by another. I don't use the word in it's most severe sense; I'm talking about normal, average human lives. Lives much like the one's, I assume, you and I lead, where there are good things and bad things, strong relationships, and poor relationships; a normal, healthy balance. Within that context, what role does mistreatment play in deciding how we act towards others? Does it hurt us or help us? I think it helps. In fact, I think it does more for us than love, compassion, loyalty, and all forms of proper treatment. The reason for this being that it's more of a motivating force.

A friend of mind who is as loyal and honest as he can possibly be will no doubt preserve whatever relationship we have, but in terms of the impact he has on me, how deep is it? Let's compare two people: an honest friend versus a dishonest acquaintance. The friend I've known for many years, and never once has he given me any reason to mistrust him, in fact I rather love him. He's compassionate, selfless, and dependable along with countless number of other traits that has solidified our strong relationship. The acquaintance on the other hand is someone I don't know very well at all, nor do I care ever to. The state of our relationship (or lack thereof), is due to the fact that he has never been honest with me, has made it clear that he doesn't like me, and would even go so far as to wish harm on me. Of these two, I'm saying that the latter does more to help my character than the friend that I hold so dear. In fact, I'll go as far to say that the more abuse I endure from the acquaintance, the better my chances are of acting kindly towards others; and this is all in spite of the love - no matter how much - my beloved friend bestows on me.

I think this is a pretty general truth as a result of the mangled mess sin has made of human relationships. If we reflect on the traits of our Creator, we can quickly identify them: love, mercy, grace, among other things, including wrath. We certainly have no evidence to support that He is a God of abuse however, which leads us to ask: if we were created in the likeness of the Lord - to manifest His glory through a relationship with both Him and others - where does abuse come from? The answer to that question is simple. Abuse can only stem from sin; it's a verbal, behavioral, or physical act towards another that is consistent with the abuser's single-minded desire to satisfy above all his own pride and selfishness. We can't ever admit that any form of treatment or mistreatment from anyone can ever be as beneficial or harmful as God's love is beneficial to us, so let's cast that notion out the window. Abuse, which is not of God, can only be of sin in man, and therefore this idea that abuse helps mankind more than love is only applicable to the sin-infested relationships between humans.

So to put it simply, what I'm saying is this:
Because we're messed up individuals, and because we have to deal with sin and it's effects on a daily basis, our perception of relationships, and our fuel of motivation in relationships is all screwed up. When somebody does nothing but treat me as well as he or she possibly could, there's a sinful temptation to shut off and simply be content by it. It's much easier just to be the receiver of good relational gifts from others than it is to actually turn around and use those gifts on others. I won't think to go out and love better, or to show more sympathy and compassion. If someone earns my complete trust, and never do I have to doubt anything they say, I won't be motivated to be honest and trustworthy with others. In order for a man to want to be honest, he has to know how it feels to be lied to first. In order for someone to want to love others, they first have to understand the emotional pang that comes with not being loved themselves. Our motivating force to be good to others is not that we want to be what others have been to us, but that we want to be what others have not been to us.

If I value truthfulness at all, and if I have any desire not to lie to others, it's because I've been lied to myself; not because I've witnessed the trustworthiness in others, but because I've witnessed the lack of it in so many, and it's undesired effects. My mind works in a way that looks at a man and says, "that's not the guy I want to be." Whereas I have more of a difficult time looking at a good man and saying, "I should be more like him." If I value loving others and showing compassion, it too is because I've not always been shown those things, and so in my mind I say, "that's not who I'm going to be, I'll love others because he or she has failed to love me."

I'm not sure this is the way things were meant to work, but they do. Anyway, just something to think about. It's amazing all the different knots sin has managed to tie in creation, and even more amazing how well we've managed to adapt to each and every one of them. Then again, maybe "amazing" isn't the right word for it.

Certainly Green's sentiments, though cynical, are easy for us to identify with. Maybe we won't admit to identifying with such a statement personally, but there is no doubt we will be quick to accept it as a universal truth for everyone else. Dostoevsky talks about "seeking happiness in sorrow." Now there's a statement I'd love to understand, but what an impossible thing that is. Maybe out of the sorrow and pain of not being loved ourselves, we are motivated to love others, and there find happiness. Is that the right answer? I don't know, but it's the best one I've got.

One-thousand truths won't motivate me to be an honest man, but the sting of one lie will. What a sad fact of life that is.

...will hopefully amount to this quote. Should be titled: "Life as I wish to know it."

"All your thoughts, all the seeds scattered by you, perhaps forgotten by you, will grow up and take form. He who has received them from you will hand them on to another. And who can tell what part you may have in the future determination of the destinies of humanity? In scattering the seed, scattering your charity, your kind deeds, you are giving away, in one form or another, part of your personality, and taking into yourself part of another; you are in a mutual communion with another, a little more attention and you will be rewarded with the knowledge of the most unexpected discoveries. You will come at last to look upon your work as a science; it will lay hold of your life and may fill up your whole life.”

-Fyodor Dostoevksy

...is a little bit off right now.

I've got to get back on track, and that's all there is to it.

(Feel free to help me out.)

...is comepletely uncertain: Where I'm at, or rather, where the heck am I going?

I've always known myself to be an anxious person. I think I tend to be more pessimistic than optimistic, but then again I think everyone really is. I'm not sure sin allows us the ability to be truly optimistic people. But anyway, my mind works against me it seems. When things are going well, all I can do is reason in favor of how things are actually bad. The second a situation looks positive, I begin the "too-good-to-be-true" countdown until things are back to being negative. I even tend to lean towards superstition whenever I feel like there's a lot I have to lose. But really, it's only a matter of time before I lose it all. Is that normal? It certainly can't be healthy. I think I'm on the road to developing stomache ulcers, and from what I hear, those aren't so fun.

So why am I like this? I don't know really, I always have been I think, but lately it's been worse than usual. I suppose the next couple of months have been on the forefront of my mind more than most things have. I keep hearing Barack Obama talking about "change this", and "change that," and I've gotta say, I'm not all that excited about change right now, maybe that's why I'm a McCain guy, who knows. What frightens me though is not the fact that change will come whether I like it or not, but that I don't have much of a choice to make what I want out of it. Maybe this is just called growing up, and I should learn to deal with it, but I'd like to find a way to do that while avoiding the ulcers at least...

Okay, so I've got to go to college, right? I'm pretty sure I do, unless I want to work a minimum wage job and move up the ranks the rest of my life, which I don't. I could join the military...but I never will. So college is the only option left, which doesn't make it much of an option at all. Fine, that's okay, I'm cool with college, but what's it going to mean giving up, and what will I have to pass by, and what happens if I don't end up where I'd always hoped to? The problem with that last concern is that I don't even really know where I hope to end up. So I'm afraid of heading in the wrong dircetion, but how can there be a wrong dircetion when I haven't established a right one. I'm afraid of not ending up where I want to, and I'm not even sure where that is. I'm not sure the odds are working in my favor.

Alright, so I think my main problem is my youth. I'm young and stupid; I have dreams, and goals, and desires, and all the usual nonsense that comes with wanting to do something with your life before you've gone and wasted it all. I think that's probably a pretty vain sentiment, if not a rather arrogant one, but that's really what I want. Is it so bad to want to mean something to at least one person, if not many?

My fear is that I'm going to pay a whole lot of money for a tuition, and a reality check, and that college is going to stifle any motivation I have to do something more than just make money. It's one giant system, and one big machine that puts you on the fast track to an occupation, a wife, kids, and a family. All of those things I want...I suppose I just want more though.

Am I being a selfish punk? I don't know. It sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining over something I won't be able to stop: the rest of my life. It's a losing battle. I feel like I can just call it right here and now. This is how it's all going to unfold... You ready? Here it is:

First I'm going to go to college (I don't know where but that really doesn't matter because it'll be the same story regardless). I figure the first couple of years I'll be working on my general education, and then after that things get a bit more serious. So I'm paying my way through college for about 3 and a half years now, and I'm beginning to focus on where I'm going as far as an occupation goes. From here I'll decide whether or not it'll be a four year venture for me, or more than that. During all this, I assume I'll meet someone, and this someone and I will end up falling in love. After going through all the implications of that, this girl will somehow convince me I should marry her, and I probably won't put up much of a fight against it. Then comes the process of proving to her family I can support her, and after a few paychecks and one engagement ring, that whole process will start! College will either be done with or just about done, and I'll be headed straight into marriage, where the beginning of the rest of my life will begin.

And there you have it ladies and gentlement, the rest of Adams Watson's life. Now, ideally (and that is pretty ideal, but not uncommon), that's not such a bad situation. In fact it's pretty nice to think about. Why then am I so afraid of it? I mean do I have to accept that as being the way my life will play out? I guess I don't, but I'll tell you it only takes one girl to convince you, and I know for me at least there won't be much she'll have to do. Maybe becoming a monk will solve all my problems...but I think I'd join the military first.

So that's that. Now it's just a matter of picking the general area where I want all of this to take place. If I pick RCC, I put it off for a couple of years. If I go to Fullerton there's a pretty good shot all that could happen. And if I go to CBU...well, I might as well just write my autobiography right now I think. Only I don't want to go to RCC at all, and neither do I want to go to Fullerton, although I'd rather do that than RCC. So my only choice really (if it were all my choice), would be CBU. So is my life as I know it basically over then? It very well could be...

That's a bit dramatic, but I am so extremely concerned that I won't end up where I wished I had. Only, like I said earlier, I don't even know where that place is. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, and I'm only 18. I guess that means I'd have to die at 36, which wouldn't surprise me all that much considering how I'm torturing myself now. I mean how long could I do this and stay healthy?

I said life was completely uncertain, but that's not exactly true. There are things I am completely certain about, although I'm unsure as to whether or not I'll have to let them go before too long...but that's a whole seperate post, and an equally difficult one to think about. For now though, just a quick refernce to the few blessings in my life that are consistent in causing me nothing but joy:

Primetime, Dear Barbara, It's pounded...and 11:21.

To those of you who don't know what the heck I'm talking about, I love you all too, don't worry. To those of you who do...well, you know who you are. Just when I think you couldn't possibly mean any more to me than you already do, you somehow find a way. Thank you dearly.

...is vain.

This is something I posted a couple months ago back on my good ol' myspace page, so I figured to start things off with a bang...I'd just copy and paste it here, lol.

Vanity of Vanities...

"Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment. Remove vexation from your heart, and put away pain from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity"-Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

I think Ecclesiastes is one of the most comical books in all of Scripture. In it, you have King Solomon - who essentially had just about anything you could ask for and everything in between - giving one of the most apathetic portraits of life that anyone could possibly give: All is vanity. Everything amounts to absolutely nothing. Do whatever you want because in the end it's just not going to mattet...at all. End of story.

Now, that's not exactly Solomon's message, so don't quote me on it. He does reference God heavily, as in the verse above, claiming that we're to live with our Creator in mind knowing judgment is ahead of us for all that we do. That's important to understand, in that I don't think Solomon is promoting a reckless lifestyle or an indifferent, ungrateful attitude towards the gift that is life, but I do think the older we get the more we will not only understand better where Solomon is coming from, but we'll agree with his sentiments completey.

When I say this is a comical claim, I suppose I have to say so with everyone in mind, in which case, there is nothing at all funny about Ecclesiastes. In fact, it means death for many people after a life lived for absolutely nothing. That's quite bleak. Fortunately though, mankind, in all it's self-acquired wisdom has dedicated an entire philosophy to embracing this idea. In other words, in hopes of finding the meaning of life, man has found that life means nothing, only they have omitted the God part. A rather profound discovery, if not a misguided and bit of a discouraging one. To spend your life trying to understand the very reason you exist, only to discover that it really doesn't matter whether or not you do is about as discouraging as it gets. Oh well, just slap a fancy name on whatever you want to call this philosophy, make it sound important, pass it around, and then die making it absolutely 100% unimportant and inconsequential to you anymore. You've just proved your philosophy true! Congrats! I think it would have been easier to have just read Ecclesiastes, but to each his own I suppose.

I don't mean to discuss philosophy or to pretend I know the details of existentialism or transcendentalism or whatever you want to believe(ism), but I do think Solomon's observations on life are exact, which would explain all the philosophical derivatives since. His strict and narrow focus on human life here on earth, with eternal life almost as an afterthought is funny for two reasons: 1) Because of the context in which Solomon exists; as possibly the richest, wisest, most powerful man alive. 2) Because it seems to almost contradict that which Scripture has taught and what we've always known life to be, which is a blessing and a gift from God to us. It is still that though, and as I said before, I do not think Solomon is at all ungrateful. He can however, accept that life and everything it has to offer is vain because he knows that outside of God and His glory, nothing else matters. Without God and His Glory at the forefront of all things, life is not life, and we do no exist.

For the unbeliever, this isn't at all a funny thing. They gain nothing, and if they happen to be wrong about God or simply remain hardened to Him (I suppose there really is not diference), there will be a final and eternal consequence. For the believer however, Solomon's observations provoke praise and admiration; a knowledge that this place and all it has to offer may not be much, but what little there is has been given us to enjoy, and should be used to the glory of our God. Life is still a blessing, meaning is still present, but to see this clearly, we are called to look beyond temporary creation and to our eternal Creator.

This is something I've been wrestling with for a few months now, and I've loved every single day of it. I am becoming more and more convinced that I, Adam James Watson, have been created by a Creator for a created purpose, and that the more I fall in line with this purpose, the better I function as a created being. It makes the most perfect sense. If indeed we have been made to glorify our God in everything that we do, then we are going to function best as humans when we are doing that very thing. Piper says it all the time, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." It's just the way things were created to play out. For us to think outside of God's glory, or to act outside of God's glory, or to live in any way outside of God's glory would be for us to function unnaturally and against our created purpose, essentially leading us absolutely nowhere. There is a quote by D.A. Carson that's remained with me for quite some time now:


"People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it freedom; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated."


Unfortunately, I think the quote speaks just as directly to the believer as it does the unbeliever. If we think of ourselves as being created in God's image however, then we understand that humans hold a special place here on earth. Not only are we set apart in how we are made - in that we have a moral sense of right and wrong ( and I think great proof that we were created to glorify God) - but we are set above all else that is created. In a sense, all else was created for us to be used to bring God glory, but only as far as that. Only we've looked to the things created for us to satisfy God's glory to find ultimate satisfaction for ourselves. The things created for us have become our gods, and we have ceased to view them as the tools given to us by God to be used for Him. What a sad perversion that is. Not only is it a perversion, it’s a false hope and a vain pursuit; it can do nothing for us. The faulty effort to find joy in the things of hasn’t lead anywhere but to emptiness. It’s the most common tragic tale throughout all of history. How many times have we heard of the man or the woman who looks to gain everything, and in the process of doing so, finds that he or she has nothing in the end? We were made to submit to the Lord through having a relationship with Him and knowing that His plan and purpose for our life is known by Him, therefore we follow Him willingly. If we chose not to do this, we cease to have any plan, purpose, or destination outside of living strictly for ourselves, by ourselves, all to gain nothing.

I understand that I’m young. I know that I’m quite immature and naive about a lot of things, and that I have a lot to learn. However, I've found that the more my love and understanding for God grows, the less hope I have invested in the things of this world, and the bleaker my outlook on life becomes. I don’t mean to say I am giving up on life, but I sympathize more and more with Solomon's claim that everything we take part in here is vain and worthless...to an extent.

People will read this and think I have turned into some transcendental hippy who looks only to “life beyond” and has dismissed life at hand. This isn’t the case. I am beyond blessed with what God has given me, both in the things I can identify, and the things I cannot; in the things God has done in my life up to this point, and the things He will continue to do. I am blessed and I will always view life as nothing short of the precious gift that it is. What I am getting at though is this: if our purpose in life is to bring God glory (and I am convicted that it is), then nothing here on this earth (the things which God Himself is the creator of) has any purpose higher or lower than we as humans have but to also bring Him glory. If our highest purpose as the highest form of God's creation is to point to His glory, then what else in creation serves a better or higher purpose in and of itself, or for us than we do? The answer has to be nothing. With that in mind, everything is vanity if not used the way God intended them to be used. We were certainly not created for ourselves, and we hold the highest position in all of creation being the only created beings made in God's image. Nothing else has been more intimately designed, so nothing else is complete outside of God. If my chief satisfaction is in the things of the world (or if I believe it to be at least), then there is plenty to choose from, and plenty to fall back on when each fails. Since I was not created to be satisfied in the things of this world however, the source of my satisfaction points to only one thing, God Himself. Just as we weren’t created for ourselves, so the things of this world were not created for us either. In fact, the question of our satisfaction shouldn’t be a question at all. With our focus on the glory of God, our satisfaction is complete. Creation is not the answer of satisfaction for us because it does not appeal to our created purpose in any way. We were not made to satisfy ourselves, but to satisfy our Creator, the chief end of our satisfaction. The One in whom we are most complete.

In theory this all sounds nice and neat I suppose, but to actually apply it to our lives may seem disheartening, even for a believer. Is there really nothing that has to do strictly with our happiness or our enjoyment or our sense of self? No, not as far as I can tell. All things point to God, or were created to at least. I’m speaking not only of material things, but of the unseen, intangible intricacies of life: relationships, desires, goals, ambitions, satisfaction, success, emotions, failure, and so forth. How do we think through these things with our created purpose in mind? Exactly how Solomon has, they all mean nothing, they all get us nowhere, and they are all vain things...outside of God's glory.

I think through this on a personal level in a couple of ways, and I’ve been trying to convince myself of one thought that is rather frightening to conceive of. The thought is this: nothing in my life is ever going to, or could ever satisfy me completely. There is not one thing that will ever give me a sense of complete purpose, joy, or self-worth that will not come up void in some way. Let’s use a personal example:

I think about thing I look forward to most in my lifetime: marriage. More than anything else, the thing I anticipate most is meeting the woman I am going to fall in love with and take care of until she, or myself leaves this earth. There isn’t anything else that excites me more than that hope, and it’s such a precious hope that I can’t imagine at this point being dissatisfied at all in my future marriage. My emotional anticipation makes it difficult for me to imagine my marriage ever failing to satisfy me in any way, but I know for a fact that to some extent, it will. Arguments will occur, disagreements will arise, romance will cease, and our relationship will take turns that we could have never imagined possible. Our love for each other will be shaken, and in those difficult times what’s to stop frustration from ending it all? If I view my marriage as the foundation of my satisfaction and comfort, nothing will. I will be crushed if it fails me, even to the slightest extent. Now how is this encouraging? It isn’t. If my marriage alone cannot make me happy, then nothing can. If my wife - the one who alone will stand as the height of my happiness here on earth, who I will gladly love and take care of the rest of my days, the person who I will cherish more than I possibly could anything or anyone else - if she cannot satisfy me, is there anything or anyone else who possibly can? Absolutely not. How frightening is that? That my marriage - the most anticipate days of my life – can already be proven to fail me. If this is true of my wife, then it is true with everything else.

If I view my marriage as something that stands outside of a given opportunity to give God glory, then my focus will consist of nothing other than the failures of the relationship I have with my wife. I will have no hope that things will get better, I will not view my relationship as something precious enough to be reconciled, and my satisfaction, if not met, will be the cause of yet another worldly disappointment, which in this case, is quite a tragic one. My foundation must consist of God alone, and nothing else. One who does not fail, ever, and who will never change or disappoint. Once I have learned to be completely content in the promises and commands of the Lord, then will I be capable of viewing my marriage as the opportunity that it is to point to God. I will have a hope and a joy that could not be attained anywhere else. Hope that things will get better when they are difficult, and a hope that God will show me how best to love and care for my wife through even the most difficult of times. In fact, not only will I be able to look to God when things become difficult - He will not simply be a "plan b" for contentment or comfort when the first fails - but there will be even more reason to praise Him for the blessing that is my marriage when things could not be better. My marriage, the only hope I would have in the world without God’s grace, is dependent no the foundation of God's glory, and must be directed towards it. If this too is true of my wife, then it is also true of all else.

Marriage is but one example, and yet, because it is the most precious example I can think of, there is nothing which is exempt from being thought through in this manner. I need to start thinking about everything in such a way. Nothing will satisfy me, in and of the thing itself; it was not made to. This doesn’t give me much hope in anything. In fact, it gives me hope in only one thing.

Good, that’s exactly the way it should be.