I've always known myself to be an anxious person. I think I tend to be more pessimistic than optimistic, but then again I think everyone really is. I'm not sure sin allows us the ability to be truly optimistic people. But anyway, my mind works against me it seems. When things are going well, all I can do is reason in favor of how things are actually bad. The second a situation looks positive, I begin the "too-good-to-be-true" countdown until things are back to being negative. I even tend to lean towards superstition whenever I feel like there's a lot I have to lose. But really, it's only a matter of time before I lose it all. Is that normal? It certainly can't be healthy. I think I'm on the road to developing stomache ulcers, and from what I hear, those aren't so fun.
So why am I like this? I don't know really, I always have been I think, but lately it's been worse than usual. I suppose the next couple of months have been on the forefront of my mind more than most things have. I keep hearing Barack Obama talking about "change this", and "change that," and I've gotta say, I'm not all that excited about change right now, maybe that's why I'm a McCain guy, who knows. What frightens me though is not the fact that change will come whether I like it or not, but that I don't have much of a choice to make what I want out of it. Maybe this is just called growing up, and I should learn to deal with it, but I'd like to find a way to do that while avoiding the ulcers at least...
Okay, so I've got to go to college, right? I'm pretty sure I do, unless I want to work a minimum wage job and move up the ranks the rest of my life, which I don't. I could join the military...but I never will. So college is the only option left, which doesn't make it much of an option at all. Fine, that's okay, I'm cool with college, but what's it going to mean giving up, and what will I have to pass by, and what happens if I don't end up where I'd always hoped to? The problem with that last concern is that I don't even really know where I hope to end up. So I'm afraid of heading in the wrong dircetion, but how can there be a wrong dircetion when I haven't established a right one. I'm afraid of not ending up where I want to, and I'm not even sure where that is. I'm not sure the odds are working in my favor.
Alright, so I think my main problem is my youth. I'm young and stupid; I have dreams, and goals, and desires, and all the usual nonsense that comes with wanting to do something with your life before you've gone and wasted it all. I think that's probably a pretty vain sentiment, if not a rather arrogant one, but that's really what I want. Is it so bad to want to mean something to at least one person, if not many?
My fear is that I'm going to pay a whole lot of money for a tuition, and a reality check, and that college is going to stifle any motivation I have to do something more than just make money. It's one giant system, and one big machine that puts you on the fast track to an occupation, a wife, kids, and a family. All of those things I want...I suppose I just want more though.
Am I being a selfish punk? I don't know. It sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining over something I won't be able to stop: the rest of my life. It's a losing battle. I feel like I can just call it right here and now. This is how it's all going to unfold... You ready? Here it is:
First I'm going to go to college (I don't know where but that really doesn't matter because it'll be the same story regardless). I figure the first couple of years I'll be working on my general education, and then after that things get a bit more serious. So I'm paying my way through college for about 3 and a half years now, and I'm beginning to focus on where I'm going as far as an occupation goes. From here I'll decide whether or not it'll be a four year venture for me, or more than that. During all this, I assume I'll meet someone, and this someone and I will end up falling in love. After going through all the implications of that, this girl will somehow convince me I should marry her, and I probably won't put up much of a fight against it. Then comes the process of proving to her family I can support her, and after a few paychecks and one engagement ring, that whole process will start! College will either be done with or just about done, and I'll be headed straight into marriage, where the beginning of the rest of my life will begin.
And there you have it ladies and gentlement, the rest of Adams Watson's life. Now, ideally (and that is pretty ideal, but not uncommon), that's not such a bad situation. In fact it's pretty nice to think about. Why then am I so afraid of it? I mean do I have to accept that as being the way my life will play out? I guess I don't, but I'll tell you it only takes one girl to convince you, and I know for me at least there won't be much she'll have to do. Maybe becoming a monk will solve all my problems...but I think I'd join the military first.
So that's that. Now it's just a matter of picking the general area where I want all of this to take place. If I pick RCC, I put it off for a couple of years. If I go to Fullerton there's a pretty good shot all that could happen. And if I go to CBU...well, I might as well just write my autobiography right now I think. Only I don't want to go to RCC at all, and neither do I want to go to Fullerton, although I'd rather do that than RCC. So my only choice really (if it were all my choice), would be CBU. So is my life as I know it basically over then? It very well could be...
That's a bit dramatic, but I am so extremely concerned that I won't end up where I wished I had. Only, like I said earlier, I don't even know where that place is. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, and I'm only 18. I guess that means I'd have to die at 36, which wouldn't surprise me all that much considering how I'm torturing myself now. I mean how long could I do this and stay healthy?
I said life was completely uncertain, but that's not exactly true. There are things I am completely certain about, although I'm unsure as to whether or not I'll have to let them go before too long...but that's a whole seperate post, and an equally difficult one to think about. For now though, just a quick refernce to the few blessings in my life that are consistent in causing me nothing but joy:
Primetime, Dear Barbara, It's pounded...and 11:21.
To those of you who don't know what the heck I'm talking about, I love you all too, don't worry. To those of you who do...well, you know who you are. Just when I think you couldn't possibly mean any more to me than you already do, you somehow find a way. Thank you dearly.
1 comment:
:-) my comments here don't mean a single freaking thing. it's your life to live, mon ami.
perhaps the anxiety of growing up stems from a fear of losing grip on the "irresponsibility" of youth and letting the smile-inducing memories of those times slip-slide their way into the ether. the fear of becoming a cog in the wheel of commerce and capitalism is an overpowering one. i think the tendency of artistic people like yourself is to rebel against the cubicles and mortgages and mid-level management of american adulthood.
as it very well should be! :-)
i'll agree with you when you say that the appeal of a wife and kids is a very strong one and one that shouldn't be denied, but, and honestly now, who in the world is going to force you to become a slave to the business (or whatever) and wife & kids world without you setting yourself apart from those things by doing what makes your heart flutter with inspiration and CONTENTMENT?
well the only one to do that would be you, obviously. but why listen to yourself in that case? be like kerouac: screw the world and live on the top of a mountain and drink cold snow and walk naked through the trees and shout nonsense from the highest peak of existence.
you should do yourself a favor and not read "the beach" by alex garland. it will make you long for a utopique life of tranquility. or you could do yourself an even bigger favor and read "the beach" by alex garland. i know a horrible leonardo dicaprio movie was made from the book (what the heck was danny boyle doing with that book?!) but believe me when i tell you that it will set your mind soaring and free. (just don't get too discouraged when the ending comes, when the inevitable downfall of any utopia occurs).
also, i think the life of a monk of any rational kind is far preferable to joining an organization whose basic principle is to murder other people when a threat occurs. that's just not cricket.
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