A strange thought has occupied my mind for the past few days, and so far hasn't let up. In thinking about people - human kind in general - I wonder what is the most powerful motivating factor in the determination of personality. The question of morality is interesting enough. Why have any moral sense at all? It doesn't benefit an individual to look out for another over oneself, and if we are subject to social-darwinism, then we certainly shouldn't be led towards compassion for others in any way. The answer to the question I'm about to ask lies in the answer to the question above I'm afraid, which means if I can't answer the question of morality, I certainly can't answer the question of what motivates us to be moral beings.
I'm going to ask the question anyway, however. If the answer refuses to reveal itself to me, maybe it will to you. Or possibly you've already found it...
The question is this: is abuse better for character than love? Does it have more of an impact - particularly a positive one - in determining who we are, and how we act towards others?
To even ask such a question is mostly silly, considering the broad nature of the subject. Who really knows why we act the way we do? This is the reason I love psychology though! It's such a load of nonsense, and so speculative a subject that it shouldn't even be considered a science. No person can ever come to understand the thoughts and actions of another through scientific means, or any other means for that matter. We can't even understand our own doings. So each man comes up with his own theories, and others say, "no, that's not right," or "yeah, I agree with that," but really they can't fully agree or disagree, because in the end...it's probably all a load of hogwash.
Anyway, I digress... The purpose of the above paragraph gives me room to ask as silly a question as I just have however, and perhaps even more room to give an even more ridiculous answer. Back to that:
Now, when I use the word "abuse," I simply mean mistreatment of one person by another. I don't use the word in it's most severe sense; I'm talking about normal, average human lives. Lives much like the one's, I assume, you and I lead, where there are good things and bad things, strong relationships, and poor relationships; a normal, healthy balance. Within that context, what role does mistreatment play in deciding how we act towards others? Does it hurt us or help us? I think it helps. In fact, I think it does more for us than love, compassion, loyalty, and all forms of proper treatment. The reason for this being that it's more of a motivating force.
A friend of mind who is as loyal and honest as he can possibly be will no doubt preserve whatever relationship we have, but in terms of the impact he has on me, how deep is it? Let's compare two people: an honest friend versus a dishonest acquaintance. The friend I've known for many years, and never once has he given me any reason to mistrust him, in fact I rather love him. He's compassionate, selfless, and dependable along with countless number of other traits that has solidified our strong relationship. The acquaintance on the other hand is someone I don't know very well at all, nor do I care ever to. The state of our relationship (or lack thereof), is due to the fact that he has never been honest with me, has made it clear that he doesn't like me, and would even go so far as to wish harm on me. Of these two, I'm saying that the latter does more to help my character than the friend that I hold so dear. In fact, I'll go as far to say that the more abuse I endure from the acquaintance, the better my chances are of acting kindly towards others; and this is all in spite of the love - no matter how much - my beloved friend bestows on me.
I think this is a pretty general truth as a result of the mangled mess sin has made of human relationships. If we reflect on the traits of our Creator, we can quickly identify them: love, mercy, grace, among other things, including wrath. We certainly have no evidence to support that He is a God of abuse however, which leads us to ask: if we were created in the likeness of the Lord - to manifest His glory through a relationship with both Him and others - where does abuse come from? The answer to that question is simple. Abuse can only stem from sin; it's a verbal, behavioral, or physical act towards another that is consistent with the abuser's single-minded desire to satisfy above all his own pride and selfishness. We can't ever admit that any form of treatment or mistreatment from anyone can ever be as beneficial or harmful as God's love is beneficial to us, so let's cast that notion out the window. Abuse, which is not of God, can only be of sin in man, and therefore this idea that abuse helps mankind more than love is only applicable to the sin-infested relationships between humans.
So to put it simply, what I'm saying is this:
Because we're messed up individuals, and because we have to deal with sin and it's effects on a daily basis, our perception of relationships, and our fuel of motivation in relationships is all screwed up. When somebody does nothing but treat me as well as he or she possibly could, there's a sinful temptation to shut off and simply be content by it. It's much easier just to be the receiver of good relational gifts from others than it is to actually turn around and use those gifts on others. I won't think to go out and love better, or to show more sympathy and compassion. If someone earns my complete trust, and never do I have to doubt anything they say, I won't be motivated to be honest and trustworthy with others. In order for a man to want to be honest, he has to know how it feels to be lied to first. In order for someone to want to love others, they first have to understand the emotional pang that comes with not being loved themselves. Our motivating force to be good to others is not that we want to be what others have been to us, but that we want to be what others have not been to us.
If I value truthfulness at all, and if I have any desire not to lie to others, it's because I've been lied to myself; not because I've witnessed the trustworthiness in others, but because I've witnessed the lack of it in so many, and it's undesired effects. My mind works in a way that looks at a man and says, "that's not the guy I want to be." Whereas I have more of a difficult time looking at a good man and saying, "I should be more like him." If I value loving others and showing compassion, it too is because I've not always been shown those things, and so in my mind I say, "that's not who I'm going to be, I'll love others because he or she has failed to love me."
I'm not sure this is the way things were meant to work, but they do. Anyway, just something to think about. It's amazing all the different knots sin has managed to tie in creation, and even more amazing how well we've managed to adapt to each and every one of them. Then again, maybe "amazing" isn't the right word for it.
Certainly Green's sentiments, though cynical, are easy for us to identify with. Maybe we won't admit to identifying with such a statement personally, but there is no doubt we will be quick to accept it as a universal truth for everyone else. Dostoevsky talks about "seeking happiness in sorrow." Now there's a statement I'd love to understand, but what an impossible thing that is. Maybe out of the sorrow and pain of not being loved ourselves, we are motivated to love others, and there find happiness. Is that the right answer? I don't know, but it's the best one I've got.
One-thousand truths won't motivate me to be an honest man, but the sting of one lie will. What a sad fact of life that is.
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